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Q: The pandemic affected my income, and although I can still afford my child support, it makes me furious that my ex is using it for her rent and a car instead of things for the kids. I give my children's mother thousands of dollars a month, and I pick up my oldest son in holey jeans and a faded sweatshirt. How do I get her to do what's right? What's good ex-etiquette?

A: Oh my, so many RED flags. Bright red. Really red. Here's why:

1. "How do I get … " translates to, "How do I make my ex do what I want?" You can't. You can only control yourself and how you act. Start there. Set a kind positive example, and that's what you will get in return. "Ask and listen" is a better philosophy than "How do I get?"

2. You can't judge a book by its cover. If your kids are at all fashion conscious, they will tell you holey jeans and faded sweatshirts may be quite a bit more expensive than dark jeans without holes and a brightly colored sweatshirt. Depends on the label. And have you priced out tennis shoes lately?

3. Rent IS for the kids. It may be the difference between everyone crowded into a studio apartment or a three-bedroom home. Cars are also for the kids. They are used to get to work so she can contribute, get the kids to school and take them to extracurricular activities. If she's living higher than her means, that's a decision she will have to make, but on face value, the things you are upset about are not taking advantage. They are life.

I have to say, however, your concern is not unusual. I often hear this complaint from angry parents, particularly if they don't talk and get most of their information about each other from their children. Kids don't know the financial specifics and could be passing on incorrect information. If you have a question, ask Mom. But be careful how you approach it. It's really not your business to track how she spends the money you are court ordered to give her.

The amount of child support to be paid is based on a computer program. In California the program is called DissoMaster (Disso for short). It may be called something else in other states. You feed the program your joint income and the amount of time the children spend with each of you, and it calculates a number. So unless you are a zillionaire, how much you are required to pay for child support is determined not by negotiation but by a computer program.

Finally, I will bet when you transfer the money to your co-parent, you envision them spending the money on lavish things. In your mind, you see them in a new car or a bigger house, and that gets your blood boiling. Instead of that, envision your child smiling, possibly playing the sport they like to play. Envision them happy and enjoying life, and see if you still resent paying child support. It's for your children. That's good ex-etiquette. 

Email Dr. Jann Blackstone at dr.jann@exetiquette.com.

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Q: We have a 3.5-year-old daughter, and each night we have a routine we go through with her — bath, pajamas, brush, choose two books and read them, sing a couple of songs, and pray before lights out. Bedtime typically falls between 7:30 and 8 p.m. each night, and she sleeps soundly for about 11 to 12 hours. We try to go through the routine calmly, but most evenings, she finds some way to deviate from it. Almost every evening, she ends up having a screaming meltdown because we've told her the next step, given her time to respond, and she procrastinates in a big way. We've tried skipping books and songs as a consequence, to no avail. Last night, for instance, when it was time to go to her room to read, she threw herself on the floor and screamed bloody murder. We ended up having to carry her into her room. What can we do to make bedtime happier and calmer? I don't want her last thoughts as she closes her eyes to be about the meltdown that just ensued!

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